By Trina Otero

02.26.21

I was thinking about him just yesterday, looking at our goofy fotos together. When I woke today I realized it’s his birthday, or was, and I thought, “Well idk I should say something inspirational today.” But really, nothing came to mind. But I had a whole inner dialogue with myself and it is something like this:

Life isn’t the same, and it never will be. Doesn’t mean my life will never have amazing moments, it just means my life is completely altered bc Frankie is not here anymore, and I will literally probably grieve and cry, at random moments, until it is time for me to leave the Earth plane too. I understand his departure as my Higher Self, but the Human part of me still gets upset.

I don’t like talking about him too much, not bc I don’t care about him. I don’t talk about him bc I care so much about him. And talking about him brings up super strong emotions and even anger. I sometimes even hate when people say his name or wana ask me about him, bc any kind of answer from me isn’t enough. You don’t just ask a question about him and expect a simple answer. It doesn’t work that way, not with me. So I usually mumble something and look away or shrug my shoulders bc I can tell when someone is just wanting a superficial answer and I can tell when someone is actually there for me and gonna hold space for me to feel and cry.

I also pushed various people away when Frankie passed for many reasons. And to be blunt, there were tons of people who never treated him with kindness and then I saw their faces at his funeral or I’ve seen their writings on his FB wall. I was just like, “damn” and felt extreme frustration. Maybe I still do sometimes, but I’ve worked a lot on letting things go. It’s not worth holding onto, plus it’s not my inner work it is the responsibility of the people who were crappy to him.

I don’t know who or what he was to many other people, but I know who he was to me, in my life. He was my family. He was my homie, my ride or die, my accountability partner, my best friend, who always got super whiney (like us Pisces get) when I was off to journey somewhere new, but he was always there no matter what and I was always there for him no matter what. He tried to joke and say he replaced me when I left to Philly for awhile and I was like, “bitch please, you can’t replace me” and I could never replace him. Yet another reason why my life is different.

It’ll never be the same going to cafes to try their dirty chai. Sitting at the Falls of Ohio isn’t the same. I don’t feel like listing all our things so I’ll just say Nothing is. And even retelling stories of moments with him to different people isn’t the same bc they weren’t there, they’ll never get why some things were so funny or ridiculous or annoying.

And he had to go and fucking leave right before my life got a bit crazy. How frustrating dude. If he was still here I know I would have had a person I / we (my family) could have turned to. He was my solid rock here and regardless of where I traveled.

Happy birthday Frankie. Yeah yeah, I know you decided you wanted to be called Cisco, but I mean……. I have called you Frankie for like ever and that is gonna take some time to change. Anyways, I will attempt to grab a dirty chai from one of our fave cafes and sit at the Falls of Ohio this weekend and talk to you in Spirit

Arohanui,

T.O.