By Trina Otero
Featured Image: One of my previous altars
Thank you Grandmother Anna, Mother Mary, Mary Magdalene. Thank you to all the Marys before me, the Marys here with me now, and the Marys who will follow.
Happy New Moon in Taurus 🌚 ! This post is very special to me — to share my personal journey and experiences with all of you. Go make yourself a cup of something yummy ☕, grab some snacks, and curl up somewhere cozy before you dive into this with me. And feel free to take breaks, return to this whenever you’re ready to continue or when you feel called back (it be like that). This is a lengthy piece, for good reason.
I hope that if my journey resonates, you will sit in sacred space and make a decision to create some kind of personal practice with Mother Mary, and watch as you grow with Her. 🌹She truly has touched my heart and brought me back to who I Am 💙 She helped me remember and continues to. 🌀
I kept a detailed journal to notate my experiences, but aside from the logical aspect.. I truly experienced a deepening into my relationship with Mother Mary and myself. If you don’t know the back story, I shared awhile ago about Mother Mary appearing to me when I really needed divine assistance. Below is an excerpt from this really important post (dead serious… if you feel the Goddess calling you please read this post☝️).
Well, I can be ignorant sometimes as in I weave in and out of remembering, especially with the stress I have experienced as of late. I began calling out to my Guides, especially my Heavenly Father & Heavenly Mother, when I began experiencing depression around my birthday (March). On Mother’s Day, the Goddess reached out. It wasn’t the first time, it was just that it was a strong sign that was confirmation, it couldn’t be ignored. Just days earlier I found a prayer card lying on top of a box of books at a food shelter, it had Mother Mary on the cover of the card. It was auspicious. The nun running the front desk told me that it shouldn’t have been in the box I found it in, and she looked at me and said, “She must be watching over you.” Fast forward a few days to Mother’s Day – I was driving with a friend to the store, and passed up the street I needed to turn on so I pulled into a parking lot on the left and noticed a shrine. I was very curious so I stopped and got out to go look at it. When I got to the shrine, I let out a gasp – it was Mother Mary. And wow, how beautiful she looked. 🌹 For the first time I saw Mother depicted with darker skin (not that it matters but, hey, kinda). Her robed head was adorned with flowers. And I knew I was being called. Called to go deeper. Called to remember.
This isn’t the first time She has presented Her energy to me; but this is the first time I decided to be more active, to acknowledge, and to put into action a dedicated practice to commune deeper with Her. Truth is.. She has surrounded me my whole life, and She has been whispering since 2012 (that I’m aware of). During that year I was part of a huge wave of souls (starseeds) who were activated, “brought online” you could say, to remember who we really are and our missions on the planet. Mother Mary began gracing my presence often in the form of a Dove. I even had others call me Dove. And years before that.. in college I had a good friend who would call me “Palomita” (Little Dove). (P.S. Dove visited me today after I began writing this post 🕊️) Dove continued to come into my awareness over the years.. especially when I prayed for guidance. Then in 2015 I began going through more intense, super high-vibe initiations where I was accessing soul gifts, past lives, and energetic meetings with my Twin Flame. The consciousness of Mary and Yeshua came to me again. ⚜️ I began communing with Mother Ayahuasca that year, for nine months, and during this journey Mary became louder and louder.
I didn’t know who to speak to about any of these experiences. I knew they were treasures, and very real, but I felt alone. What I wanted was to confide in someone and see if they, too, experience anything similar. I wanted a sistar who would journey with me in remembering and understanding these deep, ancient mysteries. But the opportunity to meet another with similar experiences never presented itself to me, and I kept these pearls to myself. Until I unexpectedly met my Twin Flame in person. At a job that was temporary. At a job that I was hoping to make buku money then jet off to Australia. LOL 🤣 That didn’t happen. He happened. She happened. We happened. ☯️
I was able to confide in my partner about Her. About my relation to Her. And She and Her bloodline were very present in our reality. ⚜️ But still, I did not have any kind of dedication to Her. It was… very casual… like calling a girlfriend and sharing stuff. It was more like closing my eyes and just calling out to Her and then having a conversation. (Which is still great but..) I had never done anything formal or ritualistic.
But once She came to me in my dark hours last spring… I didn’t want to fall back into forgetfulness or ungratefulness. So I began a very dedicated journey with Her and other faerie guides. Into my womb space. Into my Fire. Into my Anger. Into my Shadows. It was yet another metamorphosis. 🦋 And once I came out of that — long enough to realize I needed more structure — that is when I made the choice to begin a personal practice of ritual with Her and for Her. 🌹
I began in January (2020). I decided I would dedicate time everyday to Her by chanting, “In the immaculate heart of Mary, I trust” 1000 times. Yes. 1000 times. 📿 I decided to do it for three consecutive days, and when that was over I decided to extend it ’til the week was done (for a total of 7 days). Each day that I went into my sacred space I set an intention / made a petition. I began this practice while I was experiencing alot of despair, confusion about my life and relationship to my TF, and I often felt empty and uninspired.
I was crying in deep despair, really, last night. I didn’t understand, and still don’t, why my life is how it is now, and I don’t know what to do about my relationship… I kept calling out to my Guides, to my Mothership, my command. Kept calling out and asking if I have done something wrong. Why can’t I hear them despite my current food choices (I don’t have so much control over that right now, but want to change it by making / creating abundance). I asked what my assignment is. I asked what Truth is. — Journal Entry Jan. 5, 2020
As you can see, I felt lost at the time. We had been through so much shit in the past three years, and it had finally taken a toll. I’m giving you a small peek into my personal life and how I felt, so you can see that A) Yes, I experience Shadow and hard times too; and B) Mother Mary came to me when I really needed Her. 🕊
What I experienced with Mother Mary the first three days:
Jan. 5 – 7
➳ Day 1 I felt heat and sensation in my Solar and Navel chakras ☀️ while chanting and I felt calmer after I finished my practice. (Energy healing)
➳ Day 2 I felt sensation, although not as strong as Day 1, in my Navel Chakra ☀️ again towards the end of my practice. (Energy healing)
➳ Day 3 Mother Mary answered a prayer immediately. I had asked Her to reveal to me the energy I was sensing in the home we are co-habitating in — I was sensing weird vibes from others: energy of secrecy, dishonesty, and tension. Hours after I asked Her, it was revealed. One of the individuals in the home blew up on me like a volcano 🌋 , spouting a bunch of assumptions, judgments, and repressed emotions (that didn’t concern me). He had alot of pent up anger and bitterness, and his behavior and treatment towards me was toxic, but I did something I have been learning to do for many years: I stood up for myself, I spoke my Truth, I told him his behavior was very unkind, and I didn’t let him bully me. 🙌🏽
➳ Aside from this situation, I noticed I was experiencing a calm by the third day that I had not when I started this practice. 💆🏽♀️ I was also experiencing a peace and harmony in my relationship with my TF. ☯️
The first three days with Mother Mary revealed to me:
➳ I felt emotionally numb.
➳ I had alot of wounds / old energy to release in my Heart Chakra from past pain I experienced over last 3 years.
➳ I still had trust issues / wounds around trust in Self, trust in my Guides and the Universe, and trust in my partner. 😢
➳ By saying the mantra “In the immaculate heart of Mary I trust” I was saying that I put my trust in my heart. I was saying that I TRUST.
➳ The mantra helps me connect to my heart, therefore my Divine Feminine aspect.
➳ Information would make it’s way to me through people and resources that confirmed my personal, intimate conversations with Mary that She is of a Fae race. 🧚🏽♀️ The main source that made its way to me was Seven Sisters Mystery School. Dr. Marguerite Rigoglioso shared information and intuition that confirmed all the information I have downloaded, been told by Mother Mary, and by the beings who spoke with me during Ayahuasca ceremonies.
The power of intention / energy “spent” in dedication to devotion with intention on the Heart creates powerful manifestation. Can people really sit for over one hour dedicated to their intention everyday? Usually, no. Even I had slacked from spending quality time with myself and the Divine. — Journal Entry Jan. 7, 2020
➳ Life has been rough to me so I’ve become rough. This mantra was helping me reconnect to my Heart, my soft side. It was helping me to come back to myself. 👸🏽
➳ I began to see the magic in my name Trina Marie. I was told by a male ethereal being during an Ayahuasca ceremony that my identity and the answers I seek are in my name. Since then I wondered which name “He” was referring to.. my Earth name? An ancient name? A galactic name? Once I began my initiations the summer of 2019, I was beginning to understand what He meant. Trina (3, trinity, trine) 🔺 Marie (Mar, Mary, MR, which is a title and also means “of the sea”). 🧜🏽♀️ I could take you down a rabbit hole with my name. Three Marys, Three Seas, Trinity, Triple Goddess, Venus, Aphrodite…
In the in-between when I heard the name “Mary” from the mantra (In the immaculate heart of Mary..) everything turned bright, gold-ish (my inner vision because my eyes were closed), and I felt energy like a hand point to me. Then I came out of the in-between. — Journal Entry Jan. 9, 2020
➳ Stop having expectations in my relationship and work on mindfulness so as to respond better in situations.
My Experiences During Remainder of Week One:
Jan. 8 – 11
➳ Relief of pain in my left leg as I chanted Her mantra and massaged my leg. ✨ Take note that it was my left leg, which left side of the body is the feminine side 🌸
This practice has shown me it’s a practice for the heart. At least for me. There is a focus on my heart, I can feel it. — Journal Entry Jan. 11, 2020
➳ Messages through oracle card pulls that aligned with my current situations (like a confirmation of divine protection, since I’ve been devoting Tuesdays & Saturdays to Hanuman).
By the end of the week, I had fallen in love with devotion to Mary. I had already experienced transformations within myself and my heart, and noticed a stronger inner peace within myself. I felt more grounded, for a few reasons — the act of creating a routine was helping me ground my high Vata nature (Air), the mantra chanting was no doubt rewiring my brain, and Mother’s energy in general is very grounding. Aside from all these benefits, I felt a satisfaction, a warmness, from deepening into myself and with Mary that had been tugging at me for the longest; and I yearned to go deeper into unlocking the answers within myself. I decided that I would continue this practice for 3 more weeks, making that one full month of devotion to Mother Mary! 🌹
My Experiences During Week 2:
Jan. 12 – 18
➳ I felt shame surface regarding the stressful situation of the male house-mate yelling at me. (Common emotions abuse victims feel.) I addressed this emotion in my body, and transmuted it. I think he may be feeling shame too, which I transmuted.
➳ I received signs of Purity, of Purification. I was being guided to let go of things, emotions, thoughts, patterns, and people of the past to make room for the New. 🌈
➳ Mourned the “loss” of friends in past 3 years.
➳ Transmuted lingering thoughts of the past & my choices to separate from certain people, including family, setting firm boundaries. 👏🏽
➳ Experienced energy healing & connection of my Heart & Womb.
I don’t know why but I stopped counting with the rosary and put my left hand on my Heart (Chakra) then my right hand on my Sacral Chakra / Womb. I did this around the 500 chant count. The mantra feels more powerful, and I feel a lot of energy. I feel my heart warming, churning. And I feel heat in my body and sensation in my Womb. I feel my Heart & Womb connected. I felt fear come up, possibly old feelings / thoughts surfacing from being stored in my Womb. But it eventually faded as I kept chanting.
Holding my hands on my Heart & Womb became intense; at one point I felt a lot of heat in my stomach. I felt unease and almost nauseous. I felt movement in my stomach / Navel Chakra. My Heart was hot and cold, turning, and my Womb felt intense too, like a pressure. — Journal Entry Jan. 12, 2020
➳ I practiced self-love & intimate self-touch, which cleared a huge block, allowing powerful energy to flow upwards (kundalini).🐉
I felt a flow of energy, a “burst” as if space was busted open, in my Solar Chakra. — Journal Entry Jan. 9, 2020
➳ I began a Gratitude Challenge in my Instagram stories, and received confirmation through an oracle card pull. 🙏🏽 (Wanna join? Hit me up here or on IG for deets 🥰)
➳ Painful thoughts & emotions about the molestation I experienced surfaced.
➳ I observed a very unhealthy pattern of mine & chose to trust Mother Mary instead of repeating it (has to do with Trust).
I acknowledged the distrust I felt and I chose to chant “In the Immaculate heart of Mary I trust” with more intensity, focus, and intention 🎯 — Journal Entry Jan. 14, 2020
➳ I felt my chakras sync up with my TF’s, from Root to Throat, and felt a warm glow ⚜️ which I hadn’t felt in a very long time.
➳ I began to really notice the women in my life (some who have been good friends for awhile & others who recently entered). 🌺
Maybe I’ve been approaching Her with a bit of anxiety about each of my prayers, and She is trying to let me know there’s no need to worry. Just as I chant that I trust in Her and Her Heart, I need to trust as I did before in the past. Trust in the Universe that whatever is good for me will be. Whatever is meant for ME. There’s no need to worry. I bring these prayers to Her in my sincerity and need to trust. Have peace. Know I am protected and my loved ones too. Relax. — Journal Entry Jan. 15, 2020
➳ I witnessed a lesson that I’ve been served many times in my life (which is important for Empaths, Highly Sensitive People, Clairvoyants, and Trauma Survivors): Stop taking other people’s shit personal! What they say and how they treat me isn’t really about me unless I did offend them. In this case it’s their responsibility to stand in their truth and talk to me. And the same goes for me — to speak up when someone hurts my feelings.
Don’t take on someone’s shame or guilt; don’t feel guilty when I didn’t do anything to harm anyone. Let a person be, let them work through their frustrations. — Journal Entry Jan. 15, 2020
➳ An old dynamic between the Masculine and the Feminine collective surfaced — the unawakened Masculine / Masculine aspects were triggered by Feminine voice / expression. I uploaded a video on this (muy importante) 👉🏽 http://youtu.be/7o4AyV6tDtQ
I caught the guilty imprint right in its tracks and did some self talk to remind myself this is an old dynamic, an old imprint; and I cleared it for myself, for the collective, and for my relationship with my TF. I cut cords. I spoke to His soul and told Him I’m withdrawing from the dynamic. I told my Heavenly Father & Heavenly Mother I trust in them. In the immaculate heart of Mary I trust. I turned on the Hanuman Chalisa. — Journal Entry Jan. 16, 2020
➳ I began to ponder this old dynamic between the Masculine & Feminine further —
The Masculine can be fearing the Feminine within themselves. (They) Don’t want to hear Her call, want Her to shut up. They’re battling with their ego to surrender and listen to Spirit. To their Heart. To surrender to rest, to be, to receive. They negate their own inner femininity and tell themselves it is wrong. They tell themselves to be logical, practical (mind / ego / masculine), to keep working, to keep going (masculine). They struggle with water (feminine) just as a woman, like me, struggled with fire (masculine). I told myself fire was wrong. No, I just had to learn and understand how to use it.
I see that women may have been negating men’s expression too, just in a different manner, and I want to heal this dynamic too. I have been more accepting of my TF’s expressions lately, His opinions, and letting Him say what He wants and not having a response. I allow, I accept, and I don’t feel a need to debate.
Perhaps just as the Masculine is negating his femininity, the Feminine is negating her masculinity. But how? — Journal Entry Jan. 16, 2020
➳ I was experiencing very vivid dreams.
➳ I realized using the rosary helps keep me grounded & focused, especially on days when I feel a lot of mental activity and imbalanced Vata (Air / Ether). 📿 The rosary, to me, is masculine-oriented because it helps the mind focus, it anchors the mind in the present moment.
The mind works well if it knows there is a goal and finish line. The mind wants to complete the goal because it (the mind) is masculine. So the 500 chant mark kept my mind motivated. I congratulated myself when I made it. — Journal Entry Jan. 16, 2020
➳ More energy healing transpired in my stomach up to my Heart Chakra. A burning away of energy I imagine. Transformation. 🦋
➳ Sight into astral plane and the opportunity to remove entities (for whom I’m not sure).
➳ Sight and visitation from a divine being:
All of a sudden I went into the in-between and memory was lost for a split second. Then I heard myself saying, “Thank you for your presence and what you do on the planet (Earth),” as I vaguely began to see movement. Energy in the form of shapes, and almost like vines or roots… moving around. This reminded me a bit of Ayahuasca or mushrooms or Santa Maria when “breaking the barrier.” I sat still as I came back to consciousness and noticed buzzing. My face, my body, was buzzing, vibrating, and it had a rhythm. I allowed myself to sit in this space until I realized or felt this was the consciousness in the CBD oil I took when I sat down in my sacred space. I thanked this consciousness — I thanked the consciousness of Santa Maria and her counterpart in this oil (hemp is made from male plants). I remembered I had called upon the Faerie realm this morning to help me, and asked for a Master Plant Teacher to come to me. — Journal Entry Jan. 17, 2020
➳ I experienced a deeper understanding of the healing we (my partner and I) are doing for our families and the collective — I was integrating further the hyper awareness of the energy, the wounds I carried that were not my own but of my mother. And I became aware of the energy, the wounds my partner carried from his father. For the longest we thought we were carrying wounds from our opposite parent (which is still true). My partner has been reflecting to me I need “Mother Healing” and I have been reflecting to Him that He needs “Father Healing.” (Are you wanting to know / understand more?)↙️
I am carrying her wounds (my mother) that need(ed) to be healed! I’ve had experiences that resemble hers, I’ve had habits like hers. I have carried her energy and my ancestors’ energies in my body through DNA and my womb. The Feminine needs healing. My TF having issues with His mom reflects to me I need to heal the Mother, and the Mother wound.
I reflect to my TF that He needs Father Healing. He is carrying His dad’s energy around, His dad’s wounds. He has had experiences like His dad, and He has habits like His dad. The masculine in His family need healing. My issues with my dad has been reflecting to my TF this whole time He needs to heal the Father and the Father wound.
From this aspect we are the Mother and Father too. Just as I’ve looked at the Masculine and Feminine from a Lovers perspective, sacred lovers, I am now seeing the Masculine and Feminine from a Parental perspective. Yet another aspect of the Masculine-Feminine role and dynamic. — Journal Entry Jan. 17, 2020
➳ I had the realization that CBD is Father Healing — CBD is extracted from the hemp plant, so it is carrying the consciousness of the Masculine Sativa Plant. 🌿
➳ I had realizations about the Nurturer and Protector aspects. Giving devotion to Mother Mary is giving devotion and celebrating the Nurturer, an aspect of the Divine Feminine. The Great Mother. And giving devotion to Hanuman is giving devotion and celebrating the Protector aspect of the Divine Masculine. The Great Father.
➳ I had the opportunity to transmute old wounds within the Feminine Collective: feelings of being forced by a man to do something against their will, expression being repressed and oppressed, and self-sabotage. 💙
➳ My practice was bringing tenderness back into my life and my interaction with my TF:
I was surprised at the tenderness of our interaction and that He was being open about His feelings. Surprised that He apologized. I thanked Mama as I held my heart. — Journal Entry Jan. 18, 2020
➳ As Week 2 came to a close I noticed I felt inspired, motivated, like anything is possible! I also could see how much this practice was teaching me how to trust (which I had been very aware of this wound since 2012, and asked myself and Guides constantly, “How does one learn how to trust if no one has taught them or shown them?”)
➳ By the end of Week 2 I was still wondering about the old dynamic that had surfaced for Twin Flames lately around the Feminine expressing and it triggering the Masculine. I asked myself the following questions:
Are we (women) trying to be too masculine when we express? Are we downplaying men’s feelings when they express? And in what ways? Are we doubting our men? In what ways? What is it that the Feminine is doing that is of shadow and from being wounded that we are not seeing for ourselves?
My Experiences During Week 3:
Jan. 19 – 25
➳ I began to experiment with the ways I chanted the mantra. Sometimes I chanted 500 in the AM and the last 500 at night. Sometimes I used the rosary for 500 chants to focus on my masculinity and then held my womb for the last 500 to focus on my femininity.
➳ I felt more fine-tuned to energies around me, and was able to perceive tension in our shared homespace (still), so I began to pray for our next steps to be shown to us.👣
➳ I experienced an intense, intimate reconnection with my TF during love-making, which cleared energetic blocks for both of us. ⚡
➳ I had many visions — some could be other timelines happening right now or in the future of this timeline. One vision was very interesting. I saw a beast-like being, similar to a wolf / dog humanoid and he could see a fountain of water ahead… he knew its importance and raced towards it… to drink from it and be purified and healed.💧
I have to give thanks to Mary & Hanuman for their care so far. How Mary has helped me with my Heart and remembering my compassion. — Journal Entry Jan. 20, 2020
➳ I kept new friendships in prayer… because some new women had entered and intuitively I felt unsure of their energy and intentions. I left this on my altar almost everyday I came to my space. (This is a healthy step for me. In the past I have immediately trusted people despite my intuitive feelings.)
➳ I noticed I am irritable if I don’t do my morning devotions. My day is not the same. ⚠️
➳ Irritability seemed to be an emotion I felt alot this week… and when I allowed myself to sit deep in myself, I allowed for any feelings to come up. I was able to trace this to latent emotions stemming from a stressful night not too long ago. I almost spiraled into doubt, but instead I began to pray about the situation. 🙏🏽
Pieces of me are still hurt from that night. Pieces of me have been afraid. And so I asked Mama to help transmute these fears and heal these aspects of me that are scared and hurt. I told Her I trust Her.🌹– Journal Entry Jan. 23, 2020
➳ I felt irritation that the male in our shared homespace hasn’t apologized for his hurtful behavior (he never has to this day by the way. He told me there is nothing to apologize for).
➳ I received guidance to: shield my energy and my TF’s, ask for a sign, and release / relax (I pulled oracle cards). I received confirmations days later, by the way, on all these messages 🙂
➳ I prayed a ton asking for guidance on my leadership skills and creating a community, generating money to support us, and doing what I love. This was in alignment with the New Moon in Aquarius & New Lunar Year energy, which was very powerful and confirming for me!
I sat in my space before mantra chanting as I listened to songs for Mother. I lit a candle and it looked so beautiful. The room was dimly lit so my candle was bright in my space. 🕯️ I talked to Mother Mary about my business and the forecast I read. I asked for Her help on it. On stepping into my leadership, into my business, into creating money and not feeling guilty, and help creating community. I looked over my New Year Intentions — I read them one by one and told Mother that these were the same for the New Moon and New Lunar Year Intentions. It’s all there. And I’m still holding hope and space for them. 💙 I filled the bowl with fresh water and asked Her to bless it. 🤲
➳ Had more vivid dreams, specifically about my clairvoyance and some women I am meeting in this realm as my physical body sleeps. We have been attending a school together, where a Master is helping us fine-tune our clairvoyant ability. 🔮
➳ Had another vivid dream where someone told me a word (that I can’t remember, but it was a Native American word) that meant “to marry oneself.” I felt this was a reminder and golden nugget of truth to go deeper into my inner alchemy of Divine Masculine & Feminine. ☯️
➳ I released an inner power struggle between me and my TF.
➳ I released recent hurt emotions and asked that I be healed.
My Experiences During Week 4:
Jan. 26 – Feb. 1
➳ I put my faith in Her regarding our next destination and the logistics (how and when).
➳ I continued to tailor my practice to make it more personal. The first 3 weeks I had been using this YouTube video to help me chant and keep count, but in my final week I began playing other music and chanted and counted on my own.
I had intense moments of knowing and energy moving within me. Every day I do this I make it more and more my own practice. — Journal Entry Jan. 26, 2020
➳ Intense knowing / feeling of Love overcame me when I had knowing / a reminder of the true power of Love. The power is in Love. Embodying Love. Giving Love. Even in the face of conflict.
➳ I felt women can innately stand in radical Love. Men are programmed to fight (in the old paradigm).
➳ Felt strongly on my heart to forgive the male housemate, even though he didn’t apologize.
Does this mean standing up for self is wrong? Is what I did wrong? Or is it in how we stand up for ourselves? I did use my masculinity to raise my voice and be firm with him (housemate), but I did not call him names nor degrade nor attack him. Instead I spoke the truth — which is my femininity too. — Journal Entry Jan. 26, 2020
➳ My mind had thoughts (journal entry above) while my heart had feelings about the stressful situation (journal entry below). In this past situation, the housemate yelled at me right before I was to drive him to work. My heart was upset with him and myself for getting in the car with him after he displayed toxic behavior. I didn’t have to go… but I was put on the spot and didn’t know how to respond, and I have a past history of being walked on / ordered / taken advantage of and not speaking up immediately. I didn’t have to get in the car with him.
My heart is upset about that. That I did not see that option in the moment and it enabled his toxic behavior. He needed to respect me (and my partner). I’m not a child, I’m 32 about to be 33. I am very connected to my inner-child but that doesn’t mean to treat me like a child. Ty and I respect their decisions and they needed to respect ours. — Journal Entry Jan. 26, 2020
➳ I experienced something very personal, very spiritual, regarding hieros-gamos during my chanting, which led me down a path to research Mary’s lineage, and Yeshua and Mary Magdalene’s lineage.
➳ I began to truly, truly embrace and shed doubt of my soul lineage.
➳ I experienced frustration and anger, because our housemates were passive-aggressive and leaving passive-aggressive notes around the house. I turned to my practice to help process all the anger and other emotions 🤯🤬 and simmer down (lol). I was able to see energy that had been under the surface way before we moved in, and this brought a “bigger picture” to me.
➳ I experienced warmth in my Heart and Solar Chakras. I also felt very connected to Mama. I even said “Hail Mama” instead of “Hail Mary” a few times and heard Her laughing with me. 💓
➳ I experienced a lot of deja-vus — memory of visions I saw with Mother Aya in 2015-2016 came to pass this week. 🔮 It’s wild; in the moment of the visions the environments, people, and / or things I was doing was foreign. Didn’t make sense to me, they were fragments of something. But when it finally occurred this week… it made perfect sense. On top of that it is a very trippy, twilight-zone, psychedelic-type of feeling to experience these types of “deja-vus”! (inner clarity, precognition to see past the “present moment.”)
➳ Big inner-child feelings bubbled to the surface when I saw another passive-aggressive note in the house. With prayer, devotion to Mother Mary, and support in sacred space with my sistars, I utilized this experience to reflect.
My reaction to the note made me feel stressed, awkward, threatened, disrespected, small, disempowered, afraid, and like I need to leave (fight or flight). As of now, I’ve traced these feelings back to my experience with an ex who abused me. These feelings sprouted with him. Or did they? Did my ex before him make me feel these feelings too? Where did this start?
➳ I opened up to be vulnerable to my online tribe, and shared how I was coping and acknowledging the aspect of me that is “small” and traumatized.
Few days ago I was a hot mess. In the sense that I couldn’t focus on anything, my feelings were too BIG, and I felt burdened and distraught.
Recently I have been detecting passive aggressive behaviors around me in my shared living space. Even toxic and aggressive behaviors. Different scenarios here have stirred feelings in me, “caused” me to feel caught off guard, attacked, and triggered my fight or flight response.
I feel so far I can trace these feelings all the way back to an extremely abusive ex when I was in my early 20s… I was also extremely confused and dismantled when he choked me the first time. I felt attacked, small, defenseless, traumatized, unloved. Every time he punched me, burned me, threw me, I felt more of myself crumbling and tumbling into a darkness.
This is the part of me that is triggered by people with explosive, hurtful anger. Triggered by people who can’t be honest about their feelings and hide it behind twisted humor and passive aggressive behavior.
This is most likely the part of me that was wounded when she was 5, when she was molested. It makes sense. And this aspect of me IS small. A child. She was just a small, innocent child. And she is who I have to acknowledge and tend to every time I feel these emotions, every time I feel small. 💙 Whenever I feel “extremely sensitive” and energetically attacked when I am the target of someone’s emotional blowup, passive aggressive actions, or just near that kind of energy. — Read full IG post
➳ I experienced other feelings surface, mainly failure. I felt like I failed. I failed our cats. Failed at our homes. Failed my TF. Failed Wolfgang. I’ve failed. Acknowledgement of this feeling brought to my attention how I hate to feel like I’ve failed, especially in relationships, because when I was young I told myself I’d never marry because my parents’ marriage failed. What a huge release of energy this was!
➳ Blame came up. How my TF is healing from things and still points blame at me. How I point blame at him. Tit for tat.
I came to the conclusions that we have made many choices. Many. Some were pleasant, some not so much. We’ve made mistakes. We’ve fought. We have really depressing memories, but we also have really good ones. And I can focus on the good ones just as much or more than the depressing ones. The depressing ones don’t define the relationship. — Journal Entry Jan. 29, 2020
➳ Mother Mary helped me process and heal all these emotions that arose within me.
I told Mother I trust Her. That She sees my heart, my true desires of what I seek. I need to let go of fear. I know I was not the best partner at our old apartment because of all the things we went through and I was numb. But now I understand my TF better and I can be better to Him. Be nurturing. I don’t need to fear (the now) because of our past. — Journal Entry Jan. 31, 2020
➳ I continued to ask Mother Mary to help me with my online course I was creating and with creating community. I was excited to talk about it with others, but I had to transmute old feelings that were blocking me. She really helped me remember my ✨Worthiness✨. At this point I had begun to say the affirmation, “I AM Worthy” almost everyday. I also said, “I open myself up to receive.”
➳ By the end of Week 4, Mother Mary had helped me transmute BIG feelings, acknowledge and soothe my inner-child with more mindfulness, and organize and prepare the launch of my Patreon and University.
➳ Magically, on the last day of Week 4, I felt a strong urge to research Mary and Yeshua and topics surrounding them… and was led to amazing resources that helped me put pieces of my puzzle together. I am still chiseling away at these resources by the way…📚
➳ Another magical synchronicity — the last day of the monthly devotion (Feb. 1) was one day before Imbolc.
My Practice Now
I continue to dedicate my time and energy to Mama. There are times when I am too exhausted, forget, or get caught up in to-do lists, but I manage to sit in my sacred space or step outside to give devotion at least 5 times a week. Some mornings I feel like I’m being called outside, especially by birds (which has become a thing actually). I’ve had experiences of bird-calls and bird-call patterns that catch my attention and I hear a soft voice call me outside. I instinctively know to sit down, listen, and record the bird song. I can feel energetic downloads in the calls and in the wind. You can hear a sample in the most recently channeled Light Language here: Light Language Transmission & Sound Healing 4.4.4 || Crystalline Crown, New Earth Codes.
I also walk outside at night to talk to Her while I stargaze. I crawl into my sacred space whenever I need a moment of pause, when I need comfort, when I want to bless something, and at random times of the day to do my mantra chanting.
My devotion has bled into other creative endeavors — I’ve been strongly pulled to certain flowers and herbs. I took an herbology course last year, and lately have been practicing. I was drawn to Sweet Iris and led to create a flower essence on the Taurus New Moon. I created a beautiful cannabis infusion during the Venus – Moon Conjunction, with Venus as the Evening Star. This portal carried energy for the Crown Chakra, which is in alignment with the energy from April 4th. And I just created a Honeysuckle flower essence yesterday, blessed with Beltane energy. 💫
With Mother’s loving guidance, I have created an intimate sister circle (which I’ve wanted for years). We meet virtually every New and Full Moon. 🌒🌑🌘 She has also lovingly guided me on my creation of my online course (I am still uploading all the content). I kind of freaked out when it was announced that we are all going through a global pandemic because of Covid-19, but she gently shows me that all is well and it is even more important to continue to finish this course. In a nutshell, with all my works, she lovingly and gently shows me what is best for me. She keeps me grounded, centered, tuned in, and anchored in my heart and inner clarity.
It feels like more than a year has passed… it is insane to think that only a few months have passed since I began my ritualistic devotion to Her. When I started, I was numb, restless, unfocused, uninspired, severely sad, battled and bruised in areas of my life, confused and discordant with my TF, and disconnected from myself in a deep way. That isn’t the case at all now. I’m on fire with creativity, flow, inspiration, my sensuality, my heart is ablaze with tenderness, kindness, softness. There is a beautiful harmony and even deeper understanding and patience between my TF and I. We manifest more with ease. As I cleared up my internal space, it has truly reflected in my outer reality. 🌺
I would love to connect if you felt led to read this entire piece. 🌹 This is not for everyone. That is how I know that if you read all the way through, you are seeking guidance, you have recently been activated on your Priestess Path, or you have been walking your Priestess Path for some time. I’d love to have you join my sisterhood on Instagram and Patreon. I am truly, truly, truly hoping to build community on Patreon so that I can offer content strictly for my tribe there. So that we can grow and expand together. 🦋 And this will provide the opportunity for me to receive support for the work I do. If you wanna chat or want to know more, feel free to get a hold of me here or IG (best ways to get a hold of me). Be blessed, sistar.
P.S. Would anyone be interested in an online course to teach you / guide you through connecting to Mother Mary?
Tune into my podcast: She of the Throne! Click the image below to be taken to Anchor, where you can choose which platform to listen on (or simply search for it in your fav platform💙)
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All works by Trina Otero is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.