By Trina Otero
It has taken “time” to arrive at this moment — my fingers dancing across the keyboard — to weave and express. I would have missed the deeper meanings of experiences and emotions had I not turned within to reflect, to feel, to ask for guidance. The Kali energy that rolled in in 2018 was The Spark. Losing our second home in 2019 after a string of events was the fuel. Once we began living in our van, it provided space for a mixture of things – the inner battle to focus on abundance versus lack; innovative skills; our intentions; deeper understanding of my partner; gratitude; anxiety; depression; and last but not least, anger.
When Ty and I recorded the precursor to our new (and still developing) series Exposing the Parasitic Structure, I felt the first ignition. I was fed up. I was fed up with having kindness taken for weakness, fed up with people around me not taking responsibility, fed up with parasitic people, and inauthentic energy. I remember the day too. I stood up from my desk, infuriated, and told Ty “I’m sick of this shit” and that we needed to begin the series. I said that on the very same day that we found out our apartment manager had filed eviction on us, without notifying us and after lying to us. I was done with the manipulative energy. And I knew when he and I took a stand and began that series, that it would have energetic ripples in many ways, and that we would need to be ready. Shielded for battle you could say. But like I said I was done and fed up.
I’ve had to explore this energy, this e-motion, on a deeper level than I ever have before. I’m not an angry person. I’m actually usually very calm, gentle, grounding, yet sometimes flighty — off with the faeries. But all in all, not holding anger. I recently spoke about feeling anger in a YouTube Video because I didn’t realize what I was feeling deep down was anger! And the Universe was showing me that I needed to look at this – the Universe guided me to my astrological chart a few weeks ago and I discovered that my North Node is in Aries. So in my recent YouTube video I spoke on this, and some realizations on why I am angry. If you are curious to know what your North Node is in, check out this chart from Cafe Astrology. If your North Node is in Aries like me, check out these articles that I found helpful: Astro Style, Karen M Black, and Aquarian Astrology. In a nutshell, I realized that in this lifetime I am meant to deal with and learn about anger. To feel it. To use it. I am to be a leader and to not tolerate bullies, to not tolerate being pushed around nor suppress my truth, my goals, my identity. And therefore, I have actually attracted angry (even abusive) individuals to teach me to stand up for myself! Ha! It’s all so funny.
I knew I needed to pinpoint why I am angry and with whom. So on June 4 I sat down and spent a few hours in reflection and writing. I journaled about my North Node and then made a list of people that came to my heart that hurt me. Because that is what I realized was the root of some of my anger – pain. Hurt feelings. I wrote down their names, and what they did. I then decided to some extent how I will let go of the energy. I decided that I will write letters to some of these individuals – I will mail most of them, some of them I will not. I will burn them and let go that way. But I feel that I must express and speak my truth to some people. I felt a bit better after I made this list, but I noticed I still felt fire….
But let me get something straight. What I have been feeling is not some bulldozing, impulsive, destructive shit. Well, at least not in the way that most people think. As the fire began burning stronger within me, I discovered that I am feeling this burn from a very deep place within me – from my womb, my sacral, my belly. It feels like a deep, primordial anger. Like a mama bear wanting to protect her young. Like a warrior ready to let out a battle cry. With the spiritual work that I do, I had to stop and ask myself, “What am I carrying? What am I feeling? Is this ALL mine or am I carrying for others?”
Well, I can be ignorant sometimes as in I weave in and out of remembering, especially with the stress I have experienced as of late. I began calling out to my Guides, especially my Heavenly Father & Heavenly Mother, especially when I began experiencing depression around my birthday (March). On Mother’s Day, the Goddess reached out. It wasn’t the first time, it was just that it was a strong sign that was confirmation, it couldn’t be ignored. Just days earlier I found a prayer card lying on top of a box of books at a food shelter, it had Mother Mary on the cover of the card. It was auspicious. The nun running the front desk told me that it shouldn’t have been in the box I found it in, and she looked at me and said, “She must be watching over you.” Fast forward a few days to Mother’s Day – I was driving with a friend to the store, and passed up the street I needed to turn on so I pulled into a parking lot on the left and noticed a shrine. I was very curious so I stopped and got out to go look at it. When I got the shrine, I let out a gasp – it was Mother Mary. And wow, how beautiful she looked. For the first time I saw Mother depicted with darker skin (not that it matters but, hey, kinda). Her robed head was adorned with flowers. And I knew I was being called. Called to go deeper. Called to remember.
I’m being called to remember who I am, my work, and my dance with the Goddess. My anchoring of the Goddess. My connection with the Goddess. I am not just feeling my anger from being pushed around, bullied, mistreated, neglected. I am feeling anger for ALL women, for the Feminine Collective who have been mistreated. Feeling anger for the Goddess. And it’s funny because this isn’t the first time. I began feeling this urge to speak up about feminine repression years ago, and I attempted to start a series on my blog about it but never got far with it. And when I began communing with Mother Ayahuasca, I was shown that I am to start a podcast, which I still have every intention of doing. But the anger… the passion wasn’t as strong as it is now. I did not feel to the extent then of what I am feeling now! Something has grown inside me…. and it has grown to the point where I feel I am about to burst! One of the best ways I can describe it is found in this description of the Yoni Mudra, which I ironically was guided to as well. You can read more about that in my Instagram story.
“Yoni Mudra helps to cultivate creative energy and detachment from the chaos of the outer world. It represents the womb of Kali – of possibility and mystery. The most wrathful and fearsome of the goddesses, her name means “the black one” and Kali has no patience for the drama of life and the ego’s attachments or delusions. She is the face of the feminine as radical honesty and radical freedom. She is transformation on every level and represents the sovereignty of the Self, fearlessness, radical love, and the womb energy that gives life.”
Anything popping out at you as the reader? As the finder of this post? What resonates? For me, when I read the description of the mudra, I was surprised (yet not) to see descriptive words of how I was and am feeling. “The womb of Kali. No patience for drama and the ego’s attachments or delusions. Radical honesty and radical freedom. Transformation on every level.” Like… FUCK YEA.
I have been going through some crazy ass transformations that are hard to pinpoint when they began, if any stopped, and if any new began. LOL! But I do know for sure that intense transformations began the beginning of 2015, and that is when I began experiencing processes and initiations with the Goddess, and when I realized I am a Twin Flame Code Holder. It is the year I began drinking the tea Ayahuasca. It is the year a lot of memory from this life was restored, and memories from past lives were restored. A lot of gifts remembered. In 2016 I met my partner, and I have been going through the most mind-bending, ego-destroying, soul-edifying, heart-centered, multi-dimensional transformation and journey since. And of course, going deeper into my inner standing and connection with my womb, my body, the Goddess. Physical world events [i.e. the eviction] threw me off course a bit emotionally, but all for a deeper reason, and Mama was waving her hand, beckoning to me to remember.
As I write all this I am coming off the tail-end of an intense fever that began the night before Summer Solstice. I “became sick” Wednesday night after having an interesting few days of experiences that led me right back to that “fed up” feeling. Except this time, I was observing people that I care about being taken advantage of, lied to, manipulated. And it was royally pissing me off. I watch my kind friends giving to others, giving of their hearts, caring for others, and certain individuals taking advantage of their kindness. I observe as my kind friends grow tired. And as I watch as they give, as others take, as they grow tired, the fire in me grows. And I reached a point of “that’s it!” I reached this point after Ty was bitten by a dog Monday, which is the result of a certain person not keeping their word to our kind friends. I rushed him to the ER. And while in the ER my left eye began bugging the hell out of me. By the time we got home my eye was worse. The next day I awoke, I still felt a fire deep within me and I was contacted by another friend who had been taken advantage of. I felt my fire intensify, flames metaphorically licking out at my hair. My eye was even worse. I was pretty sure I had pink eye. My body was telling me something and I needed to know. I looked up meanings and two really stood out to me and made me laugh! My body was communicating that I should not move too fast, not put mind before my heart, to take some time to hibernate and connect with my femininity. (Source: Body Window) My body was also communicating that I was feeling an energy of being “fed up” with how others treat me and others. Fed up, angry! (Source: Arcanum) Confirmation loud and clear. Once I made that connection, I decided I would take the rest of the week slow, not make any aggressive to-do lists and tend to myself. I also realized I was feeling my kind friends’ emotions as well, and they, too, needed to slow down and tend to self as well. I made sure to share that with them too. The next day, I woke up to a left eye without conjunctivitis. I did, however, feel very tired. By very late Wednesday, I felt the onset of something coming on. I spent Thursday in bed, sinuses inflamed and scorching hot, and with a slowly growing fever. By late Thursday I had an intense fever that lasted throughout the night into the wee hours of Friday morning. I awoke many times in my sleep to use the bathroom or to drink fluids, and I caught sight of the moon a few times. I laid my head back into the pillows and whispered something about the Galactic Center and mumbled about setting me ablaze, on fire. To burn away what is not needed. When I finally awoke for good on Friday, Summer Solstice, my fever had broke. And while any other time I would wish to have spent solstice outside in the summer sun, I enjoyed spending time and being nursed by my partner in bed.
So, I shared a lot, threw a lot of imagery at you, and weaved a lot of experiences into one very long post. If you made it this far… what has caught your attention? What intrigued you? Are you experiencing anything similar? Do you have questions? Or even wonder, “Ok, so.. what now?” Well, for one, in the beginning of reflection on anger last week I thought it was just personal. But after having all these experiences, reading the astrological forecast of the full moon in Sagittarius that took place Monday AND Summer Solstice Friday, I realize I am feeling something deeper and more connected. I am feeling the Womb of the Goddess, the Womb of the Feminine Collective. And this fire is not something destructive, at least not destructive to what is of Truth. It is fire that burns to destroy illusions and all things false. It is a fire that has been kindled and is burning to push me to stand up for truth, to stand up for myself, to stand up for others, to stand up for the Feminine Collective. It’s a fire to PUSH me towards my work. It’s hilarious, because I remember writing as one of my intentions on 11/11 last year to be filled with a fire to focus on my podcast.
So, in honor of that, I have been going over and adding to the topic ideas that I began creating 3 years ago. And I really look forward to begin recording soon. 🙂
But yes, yes, not gonna lie, this fire also pushed me to speak up to a few friends about my feelings (and make amends or let go of them). And I can see where karmic ties have been cut.
There’s just a lot of endings and beginnings. The closing of old, and space made for new.
By the way, I’m also releasing a video – an audio + visual journey to express this process with the Goddess, this fire within the Womb. And I’d love for you to come listen/watch. I began writing this blog last weekend after fever subsided and have completed it today, one week later. I also worked on and completed the video this week. I intentionally wanted to release both at the same time. 💜 They are meant to compliment one another. Be blessed. 💜
Tune into my podcast: She of the Throne! Click the image below to be taken to Anchor, where you can choose which platform to listen on (or simply search for it in your fav platform💙)
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All works by Trina Otero is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.