By Trina Otero
Hey Carlito.. Happy Earth birthday. Thank you so, so, so much for giving me the opportunity to forgive you. Thank you for taking that time to seek the Truth, to go within your heart and soul and ask God the questions about life that you were seeking. I know that you know how happy I am inside, even while the tears are uncontrollably falling from my face. It’s cool, it’s a human reaction I think. That’s what everyone keeps telling me. Inside my heart I know you’re safe, and happy, and free. You’re home. And now that you’re there you can see ALL the people that love you here on Earth! Don’t you remember when you used to tell me you felt so alone? You never were, Carlito. Never. Thank you for blessing my life with your friendship. And for introducing me to dubstep 🙂 I owe that all to you and our other partner in crime Collier. I love you Carlito and I am so happy that you are at peace and home. I really hope you forgave me for any wrongdoings as well. I tried to be the best friend I could. I hope I did my best. I know you were trying your best too. ❤ Palomita ❤
I woke up today and saw a gazillion notifications in my phone. One seemed odd — a Facebook notification that today is Carlos Pakas’ birthday. His birthday isn’t odd! What is odd is that Facebook NEVER sends me notifications for birthdays…geez…if it did I would be telling every single person on my network happy birthday! I forget birthdays sometimes…especially if I haven’t plugged it into my calendar or have not celebrated your birthday with you a few times. So this caught me off guard. But then I saw a bunch of messages, and heard a voicemail from a friend…telling me, “I’m sorry. I heard about Carlos.” I was so out of it……I’m not a morning person first of all. Second of all…….why are they sorry about Carlos?!?! I searched Facebook and found posts on his wall — alot of “I’ll miss you’s” and “rest in peace” along with “happy birthday.” Carlito died two days ago. I have never had a friend pass away…I’ve never had anyone who I am close to pass away. My uncle Artie passed away last summer and when I heard I went into a reflective mood instead of grieving. I never had a chance to grow a bond with my uncle, like the rest of my cousins in NY, so I observed his passing objectively and with compassion. And I found beautiful lessons for all of us. But this time around…..it was different. Or was it? Well, yeah, I started bawling. I freaked out. I called his phone, I messaged him on Facebook..I went looking for him. No answer. I cried and cried and I didn’t understand why I was crying. Deep down I knew he was ok. More than ok. He was home. More than that, I knew he had found peace before going…and I know this because he had popped up a few weeks ago to chat about some things……And before that he had popped up in February, during Mercury in Retrograde actually, to apologize for how he had hurt my feelings last year. That day we had the chance to honestly talk about what had happened and we had the opportunity to forgive one another. When he popped up a few weeks ago to chat…he was thanking me for being there for him and for giving him guidance. He told me he realized I had been guiding him this whole time, but he never knew and sometimes didn’t understand what I was talking about. Or he was skeptical about certain things I’d talk about. He said after alone time, reflection, research, and hanging with new friends he finally understands more about himself and life. And how he wants to change his life so he can help others change.
Sitting up in bed I cried, face in my palms. And I begged God to help me forgive anyone I may still be mad at. Sometimes I think I’ve forgiven people, and later something or someone triggers a memory and it’s painful. And I realize I am still holding onto a piece of the past. So there I sat in the bed, bawling and begging God for the power of forgiveness. To make it right with everyone I know. I’ve been trying my hardest these past years to make peace with people….some are not willing. Some still feel so guilty that they push me away or want to argue. Or just ignore me. I’ve had boyfriends/lovers treat me badly and hurt me deeply, yet all I want is peace for our souls. I’ve tried asking for forgiveness from some people and haven’t heard anything back. But at least I tried. I’m trying my best and making decisions from my heart.
Never take life for granted. Your life. His life. Her life. All life. Yeah, sometimes things here on Earth don’t make any sense….and our emotions drive us wild. People will drive us crazy. Just remember that we all have alot of stuff we’ve picked up along the way…And sometimes it’s harder for some to heal and/or let go so they act and speak a certain way. You may find it annoying. Or offensive. Or hurtful. Just know they are hurting inside. Just realize that Love is honestly all that matters. So, forgive as much as you can. Show compassion whenever you can. Never miss a chance to tell someone you love them. Because NOW is the only moment that matters. The only moment.
I am so grateful that Carlos and I were given the chance to make things right between us. He took the time to take himself away from the world long enough to seek answers within, and this gave him answers he needed. This gave him courage to come to me and apologize. This gave him courage to open up even more. And I am so grateful that I am who I am now…and that I embraced him and accepted his apology. I am glad that I also apologized for staying silent at times…He knows I care. I cared. Always will. And God gave us the chance to talk about Life in general, and our purpose. He gave Carlos a chance to tell me that I helped him, which warms my heart and soul in the deepest sense. This is like a hug from God. This is confirmation that I am indeed doing the best I can, and that I am fulfilling my purpose here on Earth. God gave us a chance…..and we seized it. I am so grateful for this! Because of Carlito I reached out to someone very special to me today. Someone who did not treat me very nicely recently, and I kindly expressed my feelings and told him I forgive him. I told him how much he matters to me and how much I love him. Carlito’s life and his departure reminded me of what really matters. ❤ Love ❤ Love is all that matters ❤
Looking at his fotos, I smile. I think of happy times with him. And I smile because he was serving his purpose all along and never knew it. 🙂 But he had the fortune of realizing he MATTERS right before leaving Earth. He finally realized he matters. And so many lives will be different, because he was around. ❤ I am changed, because of him. ❤
Peace & Love mi gente,
Inspired? Share my Love but please credit my work! ❤
All works by Trina Otero is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.