I remember watching a talk show about two years ago – the host was interviewing a woman who had been held captive, along with others, in a country outside the US. The talk show host said she had heard the woman had become “savage-like” during her forced stay. I remember the look on the woman’s face – she was remorseful but honest. She replied with this simple answer – “I was treated like an animal everyday. After awhile you get tired of it, but you can’t defend yourself. Eventually you become the animal.” (Not verbatim but something along those lines).
I remember this interview because I remember her answer resonating with me, rippling right through me to my core. I understood.
Today an old friend popped up out of the blue. My friend told me that I escaped from my ex, and that “.. we all knew you were too good for him.” This was such a sweet thing to say, it truly speaks volumes on his opinion of me as a person. But (yes, there’s a but) his words have put me into a philosophical mood. A reflective mood. Was I really too good for him? Yes, it’s true that he could have treated me better. Yes, I was very loving to him when he was not… I was very accepting, courageous, patient, trusting…. But I’m not perfect either. I was not able to withstand the pain I experienced in that relationship, I was not able to tolerate his behavior after awhile, and I gave in. Caved in. Succumbed to the darkness, the fear he lived in. I changed. I became a person I had never been before. I was angry or sad most of the time. On edge. I yelled, I cursed, dear God, eventually I retaliated the same way when he called me names. I am not proud of this behavior at all. I became this contorted, heavy, yucky version of myself, because that’s how he viewed and treated me at times. I became that “animal” the captive spoke of in the TV interview.
Yes, the Truth is that he did not speak nor act out of Love to me sometimes, but I am not in charge of his behavior, karma, or soul journey. I am only responsible for my doings. We were both catalysts for one another, spiraling into our own personal darknesses, in my opinion. Now, as a spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically strong woman I can honestly tell you I don’t feel I was too good for him. I just tried to hold onto my Light as long as I could. I tried to live from my heart as long as I could. But if I were too good for him, maybe I would never have given up my Light and gave into fear, into the low energy. I could have left him sooner. I could have performed a better spiritual duty than I did. Shoulda, woulda, coulda. That didn’t happen.
As of now, I have not one ounce of anger or bitterness towards my ex. Everytime I think of him I smile and remember fun times, and my heart swells with Love and I say a prayer for him. I always send my energy of Love and Light to him. I love him, and always will. I now understand that we were, and still are, on our individual soul journeys. I’m at peace, and I take great comfort in knowing that all things evolve. I have. And if he hasn’t yet, (which is unlikely because he is very bright) he will. 🙂
P.S. Sorry no pretty picture… But honestly, what kind of photo do you even attach to a post like this? Lol